Chanachur Wala !

I must have been 4-5 years old.  But I still remember this chanachur wala who used to come to my lane everyday to sell this small triangular packets for 25p each. Yes I do belong to that era where 25 p was also required to make a living.

Life has really changed for me  in last 35 years . I was living in  Muzaffarpur, Bihar that time which was no less than any other town on this earth in my mind. My world was thriving there with great set of friends , school and not so great neighbourhood.  Our house was just opposite to the house of the DON of the city -Chotan Shukla. When I watch the movies  like Gangs of Wassepur today , its not very difficult for me to relate to the fear of living around them.  Yet, everything was normal and  I was least bothered about their presence.

We had no malls at that time and weekly recreation was going to savour street food like pav bhaji and a very famous chat house on my dad's bike sitting in the front with wind blowing straight on my face. Simpler times and simple joys of life.

Coming back to the chanachur wala - an old fragile man , who used to come every evening to sell in our lane. He became part of our lives and I looked forward to him  coming everyday to buy few packets in the evening. he had a particular way of calling in his very signature tune. I still remember it vividly.

I was an overenthusiastic child and often volunteered to bring things from these vendors by taking few coins from my mother.My brother was younger to me and he was around 1.5 years old that time and thus could not accompany me. I felt a sense of responsibility in handling the money and felt all grown up on buying things from them.

It was summer afternoon and we heard him coming to our lane. I ran to my mom and asked her to give me some coins so that I can rush to him before other people can gather  .

 She gave me four coins of 25p each and asked me to get 4 packets. I ran with all my vigour and tripped over the steps. All the 4 coins from my hand splattered around. Fear of my mom and shock engulfed me. I frantically started looking for the coins all around and managed to find 3 coins. One was still missing and inspite of trying hard , I could not find it .

I gave up! The enthusiasm with which I was running to him got dampened and slowly I dragged myself to him and handed over the three coins.  He gave me three packets and I came back home with it . On the way back, I was thinking what would I tell my mother? How could I lose the precious coins? I was overwhelmed with fear of getting scolded and being irresponsible.

I went up slowly and handed over the packets to her without looking at her directly to avoid any eye contact. She was surprised and mentioned that he has given less for the more amount. Then she stated that,  looking at the child, he has cheated and we would not be taking things from him further.

My heart became heavy . I very well knew it was none of his fault and yet I had no courage to tell the truth. It has been rightly said that one can fool the world but very difficult to fool oneself. The greatest burden one can have, is to lie to yourself. 

Next day, I heard him again near our house. He stood there for a long time thinking I would be there soon. I looked at my mom but she was sure of not buying from him. He came everyday and stood in front of our house for a month or so and then understood that we would not be buying from him, so the duration of his wait decreased. 

All I needed was the courage to admit my mistake and tell the truth. I remained in the constant guilt for nearly 2-3 months.

 One fine day, I decided to face my fear. I mustered all the courage and went up to my mother. I told her the entire sequence and expected great reaction from her . she replied “ oh you should have told me before , take some coins and get some chanachur.”

What !!! That’s it . The guilt, fear, shame I was in for last 2-3 months, vanished in just two seconds. Why did I not decide to tell her earlier? 

The demons in our head is sometimes much bigger and heavier than the reality. It was a lesson for life and I can easily say that , I behaved insanely only on occasions when the heart was touched ! Someone has rightly said “Nothing in the world can trouble you as much as your own thoughts”! 

My Tribute to IrrFAN

Yes, it was one of those usual quarantine days ! I got up even before the alarm went off , heard birds chirping outside and it was the dawn with string of light seeping through the windows.
Quarantine days has made my routine quiet mechanical and regimental. Got dressed in my gym clothes for some home work out , switched on " Gayatri Mantra " for some mental calmness and started with the usual schedule. Head was still heavy as I was watching movie till late the night before.

The phone buzzed and I checked immediately out of habit. The text read "Irrfan Khan passed away". I looked at it again and then immediately went on the news site to verify the news- as if I was not ready to accept or believe that it actually happened.  Even the website had the same headline ! I texted back with sad emojis and exchanged few lines with friends. I looked at Projjal who was all dressed up for his video conferencing and sitting in the office preparing for the meeting. I wanted to go and tell him but stopped myself thinking it would be better if he concentrates on his work.

I resumed my work out with a heavy heart, consoling my mind that he was not well and this was inevitable. I could barely manage to work out for five minutes and went back to my phone again to check the news. I  was  choking every time I read the memoirs which started coming for him from his family and friends. I often find myself reacting slowly to any situation- happy or sad. It takes few moments and even hours to process any situation and react on the same. This situation was no different. I resumed my work out again and barely after five minutes I found myself staring the wall and feeling extreme sadness. The sadness of similar kind which one feels after they have lost someone very close to them.

I started to rationalise my sadness thinking that it stems out of being in isolated situation for a long time . I thought ,maybe I am feeling sad because any news in current COVID situation is amplified and one is only expecting sadness around. How can a celeb death fill my heart with sadness ? After all neither I met him ever or even saw him briefly anywhere.  The day went by reading the news and trying to rationalise the mind about fragility of life.

The next day was no different- usual time of waking up and getting dressed to work out. Same old "Gayatri Mantra" for the calmness of mind. The phone buzzed again and read news of another celeb passing away. And this is where the usual pattern of the last day ends . I was not feeling anything. I just felt sad on reading the news and I was over it . WOW ! It was that eureka moment for me which made me think. Both the personalities were well known , I had seen several movies of both of them , read their interviews , tweets , instagram feeds and paraphernalia -still going of one ,was more painful than the other- WHY ?

Whenever I looked at Irrfan performing on screen and the roles which he essayed ,were very relatable for me. I watched " The Namesake" in 2006 and found him brilliant in it . His portrayal of a vulnerable father , trying to guide his son and adjust in a foreign land as first generation immigrant was something I had not seen actors of that decade doing it . His performance was very subtle , effortless and natural. It touched a chord and it has been more than 14 years of watching that film , but I still remember the scene where he spoke to his wife for the last time . I connected with the character and felt the same sadness when he passes away in the movie.

Post Namesake , I became fan of his acting and mostly watched all his movies. Life in a metro , Haider , 7 Khoon Maaf , New York ,Slumdog Millionaire , Life of Pi , Hindi Medium to name a few.

I watched Piku in 2015 and and found the movie extremely engaging due to various reasons. Character of AB  reminded me of my father-in-law every time I saw him on screen. I have rarely seen such uncanny characterisation and resemblance of mannerism with a person I know closely. Piku portrayed by Deepika was depiction of feminism in its most truest form. She does not shy away from taking responsibilities of her father , managing home , knowing her mind and what she wants from her life. And then there was Irrfan - owner of a taxi company -managing clients and his dysfunctional family. His played the role as if he owned it. Having spent few years in Delhi, it was very difficult to imagine that he was just playing a character- as it was near perfect .

After watching the movie , I did feel that he was on the top of his game and there is no looking back for him now.

Kaarwaan released in 2018 and came to know about his diagnosis around same time. I could not gather the courage to watch the movie as I knew I would feel miserable to see him on screen, while knowing that he is fighting a rare disease in his real life.

I kept a tab on his recovery through the news and was extremely thankful to God when I heard that he has resumed shooting for English Medium. I felt as if ,it was a personal victory .

 I finally decided to watch Kaarwaan on 28th April -2020. It was highly recommended by friends and decided to give it a shot. Such is the irony of life - got up the very next day with the news of him passing away .

He lived for 53 years but touched lives of millions of people through his movies. Such is the power of cinema that it can immortalise people and keep their essence alive. The one thing, I found common in all the memoirs was the connection people felt with him while he performed on the screen. We all are here with an expiry date and its worthwhile to touch lives of people through work or deeds.

Signing off with the quote of his famous movie "Life of Pi" 

“Life will defend itself no matter how small it is.”
― Yann Martel

A Fan of IrrFAN .

Mystic Land - India

                                                          

I have spent considerable part of my childhood  in Bodh gaya ,Bihar , holy place where Buddha got enlightenment.  It was not a rare sight for me to see people meditating and chanting in their saffron and maroon attire and was not something I got amazed with . It was part of my everyday life. 

I was also fortunate to see both the spectrum of worshipping - my grandmother was idol worshipper  had her "puja" schedule chalked out well in advance. We were part of reading hanuman chalisa everyday with her and enjoyed it throughly . On the other hand I saw my mother - she was more towards spirituality and often  found myself reading OSHO , J Krishnamurthy , Vivekananda along with her . Both the spectrum were different however both were done to achieve inner peace and both the mediums served both the individuals effectively . 

I often wondered- when I saw any documentary or people coming from other countries to India in search of spiritual awakening - what are they looking for since they are coming from a world which is supposed to be perfect and in sync with all the modern facilities. What spiritual awakening a place can give which is chaotic , unplanned and random !!! 

Place where are things are uniform , all people look same, there is no poverty , commodities are easily and widely available , there is marginal difference between rich and poor - ideally people should be happy . But why is that there are millions of people coming to India or looking for a spiritual guru to achieve that peace.  

India provides them with a contrast - contrast between developed and underdeveloped, rich and poor , organized and unorganized , metroes and villages and suddenly they realise that the uniformity they took for granted in their own world is something people are fighting or struggling to get in other part of the world . People who are sick but unable to get medical attention, people are so poor that they are not able to afford descent meal , they dont have clothes and basic shelter - suddently their own situation seems much better in contrast to other peoples suffering . you suddently become thankful for all that GOD has offered you  and how petty ones problem are in larger scheme of things . 

Buddha also denounced the comforts of life once he witnessed the suffering outside his palace. Suffering puts ones life in perspective. If there is only joy and when everything is perfect - the vanity , prudence and arrogance prevails . But one setback in the perfect world and you introspect ,retrospect , think if you have hurt someone unintentionally and thousand reasons why you did not deserve that situation. 

The spiritual awakening of Mahavira , Buddha , Vivekananda happened once they denounced their worldly belongings , looked away from their own comfort- into lives of others , meditated and got enlightened . It was always getting away from your comfort zone - that gives progress in life too . 

Spirituality of these great thinkers let to birth of religions like jainism, buddhism . Lets not confuse between spirituality and religion- religion is more about rituals and now we have distorted the meaning of it but the essence of every religion lies in righteousness  and purity of oneself . I believe -each religion in this world has stemmed from spirituality .

Khalil Gibran has aptly put :

" And if you would know God be not therefore a solver of riddles.

   Rather look about you and you shall see Him playing with your children.

   And look into space; you shall see Him walking in the cloud, outstretching His arms in the lightning and    descending in rain.

   You shall see Him smiling in flowers, then rising and waving His hands in trees "